You ever just blank out, and let your mind wander free? I do that all the time. I wish I didn't so much. My mind does not always find happy things to dream about.
I was watching a rerun of the show 8 Simple Rules. It was the episode after John Ritter's death, and it is all about the family trying to deal with their grief. I was only semi-paying attention, and found that I was starting to cry. I couldn't fathom it at first until I figured out the thoughts that brought it on.
My dad isn't in the best of health. He is overweight, he smokes, has had 2 heart attacks in the past, and shows no intention of changing. I worry about him every day. There have been times where we will be out together, and he will go to the bathroom and be gone for so long. The longer he is gone, the more panicked I begin to feel. I started thinking that any second someone is going to call for an ambulance because they have found a man collapsed on the floor. My dad always came back, smiling as soon as he saw me. The bubble of worry would pop, except for one little knot in my chest. It never goes away.
So, as I was watching this episode, I started thinking about my own dad dying. It is a thought I often have, usually as I drift off into a restless sleep. Would my last words be kind? Would I even be home if it happened? Would I be consolable? Would I bury my grief in school? God, I don't want to think about it, but I can't help it. Mainly because it is all so...possible. I never have panics about my mother dying. Not ever.
The things we think about seem so real at times. I think it is easier to face the ones that are least likely. But as soon as a thought crosses your mind that is horrible and entirely probably, that's when everything gets too real.
It is almost enough to make me not want to face reality at all.
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