Premature Worrying

It is nights like these that shake my entire life plan at the core.

I want to be a doctor. I hate all of my classes that will help on the road to becoming a doctor. I mean straight-out hate. I am bored shitless, can't pay attention, and can hardly retain the material, even though I have learn most of it before. This isn't good.

The whole reason why I wanted to become a doctor was because I love the human body, especially the organ systems. Then I took AP Biology, liked the class, did well, and got a 4 on the exam, so I thought maybe I am meant to do this.

I have been in college for a month and am no longer sure of anything. My biology 2 professor is boring and has the kind of voice you can't help but zone out on, no matter how much you want to pay attention. He says his tests are really hard. I just took a practice exam and got a 27/50. It counts for 25% of my grade. The test is thursday. I am screwed. It doesn't help that I have a test in another class that same day, so I have to spend some of that time studying for that subject as well.

Chemistry is not much better. I am easily confused by simple word play and end up getting the wrong answer because I failed to interpret the question correctly. The first test in that test is in 2 weeks.

If I can't figure out problems in chem 1, am on the road to failing bio 2, and can barely pay attention to the material in either class, how can I ever become a good doctor?

But it is more than that. I can't stand my other classes. It seems like most people enjoy something about their classes, whether it is the material, their professor, or their classmates. I don't have any of that. Most classes I have no one to talk to.

I have spent the last 5 years of my life bent on being a doctor. I never wanted to be anything else as strongly. Now I am not so sure. But I never wanted to do anything else. If I fail this first test, I might as well not even be a biology major. What then?

What am I going to do with my life? But if I can't find any happiness soon, does it really matter what I end up doing?

I going to want to end up killing myself no matter I do in that case.