It is very hard to explain my condition to people. This includes professional therapists, my family, and my closest friends. They just don't completely get it. I can rehash the basic things I feel in the moment, but that kind of explanation can only go so far.
There are plenty of irrational thoughts that come along with this kind of problem. But sometimes, the development of these irrationalities are not so irrational. I try to explain the series of unfortunate events (no, I never read the books. It is just a saying.) that lead to some of my more persistent thoughts, but people just cannot comprehend what they have not experienced. It just becomes a list of "you had to be there" moments.
The worst part about it is whenever I go over those moments, either in my head or describing them to others. Each time I relive the sadness I felt, the embarrassment, the feeling like I am nothing to everyone around me. Each time this happens and the rush of terrible feeling flows back into me, I want to forget. But all I can do is remember, forever.
It's more than that though. Every time I bring those situations back up again I cannot help but think that my life has really sucked. Now, I am not saying bad things have happened to me, per se. Both my parents are alive and mostly healthy, I have never gone without food or shelter, and I never had to try and live through a natural disaster. I know this. But for the kind of normal life I have, in comparison to the normal lives of others, it sucks.
Actually, my life does not suck. That statement does not fully express it. No, it is more like my non-life has sucked. I really have not lived at all. I was never given a real life from anyone. It is like I have spent more than 18 years in a waiting room, and no one calls my name. I get so pissed when people who have not been waiting as long as I have get their lives. I also get pissed when people much older than me, who have lead great lives, are given a second go-around.
My non-life sucks. Life is not fair. I hate this. I want to go away.
Go away where?
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