I can't say that I am one for talk. I can't say that I am one to express emotions easily. Some call me cold, some call me a bitch, some call me a cynic. All of it has a ring of truth.
I don't like to expose myself. Mostly because I feel like I'm already exposed. It is stupid really, wearing my "don't come near me" sign all the time. But I can't help it. I mean if I am this cruel to myself, why should other people be any different?
I wish I could be different. To look at myself and not feel disgust. To meet the eye of someone and smile instead of pretending to look past them, like they aren't even there. To be able to go through the motions without over-thinking everything and believing that in the end, everything is going to suck.
It's weird, my writing this. Everything I have already said should indicate that I would not write this, a public testament of my feelings. But maybe I want a change. Maybe some buried part of myself still wants to believe that I can be happy with myself one day. At the same time, I can't help but think that no one is truly happy with themselves. The super model with the perfect body wishes for a life where people look past her skin. The celebrated doctor wants a little time for a social life. The happy mother of 4 wishes to have the body she had before her kids existed. We all want many things, changes, but do we ever really get them?
So perhaps this isn't some attempt to gain self-confidence. In fact, the thought of that is almost laughable. Like lemon and vanilla, we don't go together well. (Oh, and I mean it. Don't try vanilla and lemon together. Tastes nasty.) I suppose the best guess as to why I am writing this is that I don't want to feel so alone anymore. Sure, logically I know that there are many people out in the world with the exact some feelings as me. But logic is boring, so I feel like avoiding it right now.
I guess this successfully completes my very first blog post. I really hope they aren't all as depressing as this one.
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